Freelancers play Cards Against Humanity
by DragonPrincess021
Summary: Boring night on the ship, so our favourite freelancers play games of cards to see how much of horrible people they truly are. (Tell if I need to change or add something to make it sound/read more like they actual characters.)
1. Chapter 1

Cards Against Humanity

(I'm using the Australian deck, some of these cards might be different then what you used to.)

It was very boring night on the project freelancer (more commonly known at the Mother of Invention) and all the main team consisting of Carolina, Connecticut (C.T or Connie depending on who's talking), Maine, New York (York), North Dakota (North), South Dakota (South), Texas (Tex), Washington (Wash), & Wyoming (All wearing their new glasses/visors, they work pretty much the same as their helmets but they don't have to wear their armor to see the A.I's now) were all in the team's break room seating starting to play a card game called Cards Against Humanity because everyone was tired debating with eachother if they were the good guys.

"Okay, so what are the set rules for this game?" Tex asked the rest of the table. "1st to five black cards win, we start of 7 white cards and we'll go alphabetical order of the one who reads out all the black cards who chooses the winner of each round." Wash suggested which everyone agreed and somebody thought it was a good idea to add another layer to the game by adding alcohol and every loser of a round drinks. "The only A.I is Sigma to act as Maine's voice, often then that no one's using their A. I's in the game but they can watch and keep score." Tex pointed out.

The cards dealt out and everybody was waiting for Carolina to read the 1st card

Round 1

Turn 1 "Do not go here! I once found BLANK in my Mongolian beef!" Carolina read off the card with everybody putting a card down face down.

Carolina looked at the cards in front of her not knowing who put which card down "Things i found in my Mongolian beef were?" she said flipped the cards reading, "The Patriarchy, Not reciprocating oral sex, Fading away into nothingness, The violation of our most basic human rights, Women's suffrage, Being marginalized, A brain tumour and The big bang." Everyone laughing about it having an opinion on the cards that were played (didn't matter if it was their card or not) Carolina looked at the cards ruling out the one's she doesn't want there goes The Patriarchy, The Big Bang, Fading away into nothingness, The violation of our most basic human rights & Being marginalized.

"It's between Brain tumor, Oral sex, Women's suffrage but I think it's going to have to be Not reciprocating oral sex." Carolina says making her choice. The winner of this round was Maine and everyone else took one shot.

Turn 2 Connie read the 2nd card "What's that sound?" Everybody searching their hands for the best card finding it and putting it face down "Let's see, Is it Skippy the bush kangaroo, Poor people, Drinking out of the toilet and eating garbage, Lockjaw, Tentacle porn, Kamikaze pilots, The wonders of the orient, Lumberjack fantasies." They laughed at the cards more than others for C.T it was simple "Who ever put down Lumberjack fantasies won." North wins this round, the loses had to drink.

Turn 3 Maine drew a card from the deck and Sigma told to everyone to pick 3 this time and to put them down in order they want them to be read "BLANK + BLANK = BLANK" They all looked through their hands finding a perfect combo. When all 8 sets were put down Sigma read "Good-natured, fun-loving racism + Seeing grandma naked = Hospice care. Wizard music + Natural selection = Taking a sheep-wife. Long boring speeches about love or some shit + Fake tits = This month's mass shooting. Catapults + A falcon with a cap on its head = Facebook. Assless chaps + Farting and walking away = Breaking out into song and dance. My inner demons + Fucking my sister = Sideboob. My ugly face and bad personality + A sea of troubles = Millions of cane toads. An Oedipus complex + Free samples = Pooping in a laptop & closing it." Maine looked at the cards holding up the one that read This month's mass shooting was the winner. C.T put her arms up cheering as she won, the others took a shot.

Turn 4 New York smiled grabbing another card think this is going to be a fun one "50% of marriages end in WHAT?" The girls put their cards down first & fast like they were playing SNAP and somebody put a pair down, the guys took a bit but they all put their cards down. "Half of marriages end because of BATMAN, Oestrogen, PTSD, My abusive boyfriend who isn't bad once you get to know him, Battlefield amputations, Flesh-eating bacteria, Cashed-up bogans or Crazy hot cousin sex." Like ever round before they all had an opinion of the cards, making a few guesses as who played each card "Guys, I'm got to give it to Batman." North held up the black card for the winner to grab it. "Hand it over North, everyone else drink." Carolina told North leaning back in her chair with one arm crossed & the other waiting for the card.

Turn 5 North read the black saying just how fitting this card was at the current time "I drink to forget?" Everyone laughed and smiling each putting a card down. South pick up the cards and read "Forget Total control of the media, Forget Doing the right thing, Forget Being a woman, Forget Glassing a wanker, Forget Soup that is too hot, Forget Only dating Asian women, Forget My balls on your face, Forget Viagra" south looked at all of the cards only seeing one that seemed fitting in now, She announced the winner was "I drink to Forget Doing the right thing." "That makes 2 wins for me." Carolina said smiling taking the black card with everyone drinking once again.

Turn 6 South grabbed card reading "BLANK. I betcha can't have just one!" they all search their cards, selecting the best one, they felt something different this this round maybe it was the last card that was played or maybe it was Carolina winning a 2nd time, but either way they all choose carefully. All the cards were down, Tex flipped over the cards reading "LYNX body spray, all 4 prongs of an echidna's penis, Pauline Hanson, Getting really high, Agriculture, My relationship status, MechaHitler, Girls. Well this one's easy it's My relationship status"

Wyoming wins this round

Turn 7 Tex was reading this time "When the pharaoh remained unmoved Moses called down a plague of ..., What do you guys Moses called down?" Everyone put down a card and Wash read out "Moses called down a plague of Science, Moses called down a plague of A cute, fuzzy koala with chlamydia, Moses called down a plague of A halal snack pack, Moses called down a plague of A literal tornado of fire, Moses called down a plague of Judge Judy, Moses called down a plague of Hobos, Moses called down a plague of My sex life, Moses called down a plague of Establishing dominance." While Tex was making her decision. Everyone started talking.

Delta popped up asking everyone what was the point of this game "It's a fun game where we can just shut off our brains for a bit." York told the floating green A.I "I don't think shut your brains off is a good idea." Theta said worriedly "Agreed, depriving your brain of oxygen is highly unsafe." Delta added "It's an expression you 2." South mentioned to the A.I's as she charmed in "It just means were all relaxing now." "Yeah, just a fun little game between friends, fire tornado wins by the way." Tex added. York with this round

Turn 8 "What so the reason that ended my last relationship." Wash seat there reading the card, everyone was cracking jokes about each other's love life as everyone put a card down. Wyoming read them out saying "Serfdom, Dropping the baby down the toilet, A flashlight, An oversized lollipop, Emma Watson, My driver Pavel, A time travel paradox, A saxophone solo." Wyoming looked at all the cards none of them seemed memorable "I'm going to have to say paradox, because that just complicate everything." Wash choice the winner which turned out to be Tex.

Everybody who just played that round took another white card giving them 7 "Oh, just drew the best card I could have played that turn." York said disappointingly with after hearing that the rest smiled looking at eachother, with Carolina saying "Sorry York but you can't reply your card now."

Turn 9 Wyoming read out the next black card "When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 20-metre statue to commemorate?" Everybody looked carefully at the cards one by one each of the freelancers put a card down, Wyoming read out all of the cards "I shell erect an 20-metre statue to Teaching a robot to love, Memes, Magnets, My ex-wife, A much younger woman, Giving birth to the antichrist, Dead parents or A middle-aged man on roller skates. Some of you are very terrible people." "Whole point of the game." Wash choose to remind him. "True, Antichrist it is then." South wins.

(Carolina 1, C.T 1, Maine 1, New York 1, North 2, South 1, Tex 1, Wash 0, & Wyoming 1)


	2. Chapter 2

Project Freelancer Cards Against Humanity

Our favorite group of freelancers were continuing to play Cards Against Humanity with shots and the current score is

Carolina 1, C.T 1, Maine 1, New York 1, North 2, South 1, Tex 1, Wash 0, & Wyoming 1

Everyone got up to stretch their legs, go to the bathroom all the normal stuff people do on their breaks.

"Okay breaks over, Carolina what does the card say." Tex asked her to read.

Round 2

Turn 1 Carolina Flipped the card over reading it out loud "I am LeBron James and when I'm not slamming dunks, I love? What does LeBron James love besides basketball?"

Each one of them looked through their hands trying to find the best card that Carolina would choose one by one they each put a card down. "Alright everyone happy with their choice?" She looked at everyone and they were all certain about the card they put down. "LeBron James also loves Hot cheese, Auto cannibalism, Ice, Dark and mysterious forces beyond our control, Puppies, Lance Armstrong's missing testicle, Peanut Butter Jelly & Sunshine and rainbows." Carolina looked at the cards "It's easy Auto cannibalism." She raised the card Maine wins this round, all the loses drink.

Turn 2 C.T flips the card looking at it saying "You're gone need two cards this turn." she looked at the group seeing the all of them already trying to make the best combo from the cards they had. "When I was tripping on acid Blank turned into Blank." The 8 of them looked at the cards, each putting a set down, they all put the cards down and put in front of C.T. "We have Self-loathing turned into Sweet, Sweet Vengeance; Some guy turned into The placenta; Shutting up so I can watch the game turned into Spontaneous human combustion; Full frontal nudity turned to A six-point plan to stop the boats; Gloryholes turned into Winking at old people; One titty hanging out turned into Nothing but sand; preteens turned into Oompa-Loompas and Police brutality turned into Throwing a virgin into a volcano." Connie looked at all the options in front of her, realizing they didn't have that many good options in their hands she only saw two good options. "It's between Oompa-Loompas and Police brutality but I'm going with Police brutality." York wins this turn.

Turn 3 Maine looked at everyone as he picked up the next card and sigma read the card "Why can't i sleep at night?" Each of them looked at their cards each putting one down. "Let's see there's A fart so powerful that it wakes the giants from their thousand-year slumber; Dead birds everywhere; Steve Irwin; 72 Virgins." "I think that would keep most of us awake." York chimed in,. "And none of them looking for you (or anyone else will if you keep talking like them)." Carolina point out, while the others laughed. "Okay York's love life, Let's get back to the game Maine, Sigma, what's the next card say?" C.T asked. Maine picked up the next card "Concealing a boner; Chainsaws for hands; Scientology; A bird that shits human turds." Maine looked at the cards holding up Chainsaws for hands Wash wins this one.

Turn 4 York picked up the next card telling everyone that if they what to switch any of their cards now's the time everyone replaced at last one card in their hands and shuffling the deck "Let's go now, A recent study shows that people have 50% less sex after being exposed to What?" Everyone looked at the cards each putting one down in front of York and when the last card was down north shuffled them all up so nobody knew who's was who's then he turn one over "People have less sex after being exposed to Dirty nappies, Alcoholism, Denying climate change, A slab of VB(Beer) and a pack of durries(Smokes); Heart warming orphans; The arrival of pizza; Crippling debt; Women in yoghurt commercials." All looking carefully at all the cards. "I'd see most people have a lot less sex after being exposed to Dirty nappies." Carolina won this round.

Turn 5 North picked the next card up and read it "Hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I'm having doubts about BLANK." Everybody looked at the cards all quickly putting a card down. North read each card "Being rich." "Okay I want to know a downside of being rich" South quickly asked, "Fellowship in Christ; Hooning; Massive widespread drought; Making a pouty face; Having big dreams but no realistic way to achieve them; Man Meat; Giving 110%." North looked all of the cards none of them stood out to him. "None of these are interesting so this what I'll do, put them all behind me back, shuffle them and the first one I draw wins, Deal." Everyone agreed. So, North shuffled them up, and then pick one at random and the card is Having big dreams but no realistic way to achieve them, Wash wins

Turn 6 It was South turn randomly picking on black card reading it "Just once I'd like to hear you say "Thanks, mum. Thank you for? What do you guys have to thank you mothers for?" Each picking a card and South reads the cards out "Thanks for Object permanence; Thanks for Alcohol poisoning; Thanks for That refreshing teste of Coca-Cola; Thanks for Nazis; Thanks for The miracle of childbirth; Thanks for Silence; Thanks for Penis envy; Thanks for Some bloody peace and quiet." Tex held up the winning card "The winner is the miracle of childbirth." Wyoming wins.

"Well whoever said we don't get along as well as most people, should spend some time crammed in this ship for a couple of day and see how well they get along with each other after this." C.T laughing while drinking her shot. "Yeah well, anything we spend way too much time together for people who apparently don't get along." York add while rolling his eyes while drinking his shot.

Turn 7 "Tex, what's our next one say?" Carolina asked. Tex smiled Picking up the next card. "What's my secret power?" Each thinking about this one because there are so many good options this round. "I honestly think this is the longest we've taken to think about any card." Tex said as she watched everyone choose their cards, one at a time they put a card face down. "Let's see what everyone's super power are. The blood of Christ, So I'm guess something like being omnipotent (Everybody nod their heads in agreement); Seeing what happens when you lock people in a room with hungry seagulls ("So do you have to lock someone in the room first or will an enclosed space work?" Carolina questioned the rest of the table); Centaurus (York says in the background "I can see it now someone how turns into half person half horse is the next big hero." This made everyone smile.) Contagious face cancer (They didn't want to image that but at the same time they couldn't image anything else); Unfathomable stupidity, (That one sounds like it will either be the death of us or maybe just save our lives, They all laughed thinking that would never happen); Queen Elizabeth II, So also omnipotent is well, (Everybody smiled because it's pretty much true); Grandma, (The all found that one slightly humorous, North and South looked at each other laughing, then everyone joined in, turns out they all had very tough grandma's); Seven dead and three in critical condition ("That's a very interesting power" North said) I'm gonna say Unfathomable stupidity, just because it's the weirdest of the bunch. South wins.

Turn 8 Wash flipped the next card "Alright then card says, let's Click here for Blank!" All the freelancers put a card down, "Alright then let's see what everyone picked choose. Click here for Robocop!; Click here for The glass ceiling!; Click here for Jennifer Lawrence!; Click here for Nickelback!; Click here for Teenage pregnancy!; Click here for The inevitable heat death of the universe!; Click here for Exactly what you expected!; Click here for Explaining how vaginas work!. I'm going to go with death of the universe!." Tex wins

Turn 9 Wyoming picked up the card reading it to himself before read out loud thinking it was fitting for his him "How am I maintaining my relationship status?" Each smiled looking at other placing one card down. Wyoming mixed all the cards up and started picking them up at random. "Ways to maintain a relationship status includes Not wearing pant, Getting crushed by a vending machine, The big hole in the ozone layer, Pulling out, Accepting the way things are, Half a kilo of pure white china heroin, sniffing glue and An M16 assault rifle." Wyoming looked at everyone "Well, I got to say you all have a very healthy take on relationships." South responded sarcastic by saying "Yes and I'm sure we all make the best valentines in the world." Everybody kept smiling laughing possible due to all the alcohol they had at this point. "So, Wyoming , who among has is the has the best way to keep their relationship?" Wyoming looked about the group, picking up one of the cards saying "It's easy An M16 assault rifle." Tex wins again.

"That is very romantic, Tex, everyone dreams of getting an assault rifle." Carolina said filling her shot glass. Tex continued to smile "What can I say, I'm a woman who has many passions in life." "Oh really, what else do you have a passion for anyway Tex?" North asked her " "Cars, Guitars and Vinyl."

Carolina 2, C.T 1, Maine 2, New York 2, North 2, South 2, Tex 3, Wash 2, & Wyoming 2.


	3. Chapter 3

Project Freelancer Cards Against Humanity

The current score in this interesting game of cards against humanity is Carolina 2, C.T 1, Maine 2, New York 2, North 2, South 2, Tex 3, Wash 2, & Wyoming 2. Almost every is getting very drunk at this point (Some people can hold their liquor better than others), They are still playing to 5.

Continuing on from the last conversation A very drunk C.T adds by asking very confusingly "Vinyl? Didn't the stop making them thousands of years ago?" Tex smiled & laughed responding "As long as there is music, there will always by Vinyl, honestly I didn't think you even know what a vinyl record is Connie." "Well i know more than people think." C.T added.

"Alright guys, do you think we should get back to the game." York suggested. "Yeah, but first everyone counts your card make sure you have a full hand." Wash suggested to everyone. They all counted cards some had 7 cards, a few others each drew a card for a full hand.

Round 3  
Turn 1 "Carolina, what's the next card say?" South asked "Let's see." Carolina responded as she picks up the next black card on the pile in front of her "Military historians remember Alexander the great for his brilliant use of BLANK against the Persians." Everyone looked though the cards one by one they each put a card down. Once all the cards were in front of her Carolina shuffled the cards, reading one out at a time "Alexander the great is remembered for his brilliant use of More elephant cock then I bargained for, His brilliant use of Waiting till marriage, His brilliant use of The holy bible, His brilliant use of Multiple stab wounds, His brilliant use of The bachelorette season finale, His brilliant use of Liberals, His brilliant use of Pixelated bukkake, & of course His brilliant use of Sitting on my face."

Everyone smiled & laughed as Carolina read all the cards "These all sound like very interesting movie titles." Wash said, with Carolina responding "Yes I can defiantly see this one now Alexander the great known for his brilliant use of the bachelorette season finale against the Persians. It would be like remember if anyone sees the enemy coming tell them you know who won the bachelorette." Everybody was surprised to hear that Carolina accuracy knows what the bachelorette is. "You know I'm more surprised know heard of the bachelorette, then Connie knowing what Vinyl record is." South mentioned. "Really, South, you think we're that closed off from the world." C.T added.

Tex wins.

Turn 2 Connie took the next card read it "What is Batman's Guilty pleasure?" All the freelancers looked though their hands & Connie repeated the question on the card "What is Batman's Guilty pleasure?" Slowly everyone placed a card down in front of C.T & then she started read them out "Let's see Batman's Guilty pleasures are AIDS, Arnold Schwarzenegger, William Shatner, Australia, Morgan Freeman's voice, Bees, An endless stream of diarrhea, A tiny, guitar called a ukulele. Well I'm sure Batman has all these in his utility belt." To everyone that part sound true as for Batman's Guilty pleasure C.T looked over all the cards and choose An endless stream of diarrhea. Wyoming wins.

Turn 3 Maine draw the next card & Sigma read "I've never Seen Blank look like this before! Let's get a bitter closer." Everybody choose carefully this round, they all put their card down & Sigma read them "There's the true meaning of Christmas, Nipple blades, A horde of Vikings, David Bowie flying in on a tiger made of lighting, Forced sterilization, A pyramid of severed heads, A micropig wearing a raincoat & booties or A life time of sadness." They all looked at each other thing because to them things like, A horde of Vikings Nipple blades & A pyramid of severed heads was completely normal for them but Maine ended up choosing David Bowie. South wins.

Turn 4 New York read the next card "Introducing the new superhero duo! It's Blank & Blank!" It was very complicated for some of them this time manly because all the shots are taking effect, eventually everyone managed to put 2 cards each down. York ended up getting Delta to read the cards out "It's the new superhero duo! It's A pangender octopus who roams the cosmos in search of love & German dungeon porn! It's Coat hanger abortions & Menstrual rage! It's Itchy pussy & An erection that last longer then 4 hours! It's Hot people & selling ice to children! It's My fat daughter & Waking up half-naked in a maccha's car park! It's Brown people & White privilege! It's Mutually assured destruction & Jehovah's witnesses! It's Leprosy & Screwing the weatherman on live television! So York which combo wins?" Delta asked. York looked at the cards choosing "Coat hanger abortions & Menstrual rage." "So, who wins this round then?" Wyoming asked "That would be me." C.T said by raising her hand.

Turn 5 North looked at wait the next card says "This card says Qantas, now prohibits Blank on airplanes." Looking at everyone "Okay so what can you not bring on planes now?" Everyone looking at carefully, when all the cards were down North read them "8 things Qantas, now prohibits on airplanes, A snapping turtle biting the tip of the penis, Becoming a blueberry, A tiny horse, The heart of a child, Cuddling, Masturbating, Friction & Tap dancing like there's no tomorrow. While this is simple The one thing the never want you to bring on their Airline more than anything is The heart of a child." The all laughed at that. "Hey North, If Qantas, now prohibits all this on airplanes, what happens if you bring any of these things the plane?" York asked sarcastically "Well, I'm sure The heart is life in prison, and everything else would be 10 to 20 years in prison and 5 million dollar fine." North responded sarcastically. South won this round 

Turn 6 South flipped the next card over "I think this card says, Secret to success in three easy steps. Step 1 Blank, Step 2 Blank, Step 3 Profit." Tex looked at the card "yeah, she's right." South smiled moving the hair out of her eyes. Everybody looked at their card some had to focus harder then others but eventually every there cards down South managed to read all the cards "Step 1 Extremely tight pants, Step 2 Being a sorcerer, Step 3 Profit; Step 1 Swooping, Step 2 Dick fingers, Step 3 profit; Step 1 Ghosts, Step 2 Goblins, Step 3 Profit; Step 1 Bubble butt bottom boys, Step 2 Solving problem with violence, Step 3 Profit; Step 1 All the dudes I've screwed, Step 2 Dwayne the rock Jonhson, Step 3 Profit; Step 1 Huge biceps, Step 2 Having sex for the first time, Step 3 Profit; Step 1 Not giving a shit about the third world, Step 2 Men, Step 3 Profit; Step 1 50,000 volt straight to the nipples, Step 2 Stalin, Step 3 Profit." "Well, nice to know we all have a get rich quick scheme." Carolina said. "Yeah & you know what helps with that?" Tex asked "What?" Wash asked & South responded "Having The Rock helps with that." North wins

Turn 7 Tex picked up the next card (She was sober of the group) "I get by with a little help from Blank" the each put a card down & Tex read them out "Let's some people get by with help from jobs, casually suggesting a threesome, the great depression, the a shitty story goes nowhere, poor life choices, genitals, Auschwitz & one trillion dollars." Everybody looked at the cards that were played think who played each which card. "So, Tex, what card do is the best?" Carolina asked "That's easy. It's a trillion dollars." Tex replied. York wins. South looks at North saying "Don't you (pointing to her brother) owe me (pointing to herself) like a trillion dollars?" "Maybe." North responded, everybody smiled because learning about the twin's life growing up is always a treat. "Why does your brother owe you so much, Agent South?" Delta questioned, South laughed answering "We played poker a lot as growing up & someone had no poker face."

Turn 8 It was Wash turn again, He picked up the next black card reading "Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad kids Blank?" Everyone looked at the cards they had in their hand some just put down a random card, others put a little thought into this, Each put a card down "The first card is Many bats, NBA star LeBron James, Donald Trump, Sperm Whales, A sick burnout, A bowl of mayonnaise and human teeth, However much weed $20 can buy, and a decent internet connection." "Wow, This sound like the best Christmas ever." C.T pointed out. Wash narrowed down the chooses to Donald Trump, $20 of weed & a decent internet connection. "I'll say $20 of weed." Carolina wins

Turn 9 Wyoming read the next card "White people like Blank, what do White people like." Everybody put their best choice down & one by one Wyoming read each of the cards "White people like An older woman who knows her way around the penis, White people like The screams the terrible screams, White people like Completely unwarranted confidence, White people like A sad hand job, White people like The magic of live theatre, White people like An M. Night Shyamalan plot twist, White people like The Devil himself, White people like Fragile masculinity." They all looked all cards even drunk they all noticed none of them were the best, Wyoming just picks up any card & reads it "M. Night Shyamalan plot twist" Tex Wins

The final score is  
Carolina 3, C.T 2, Maine 2, New York 2, North 3, South 4, Tex 5, Wash 2, & Wyoming 3

So, Texas won this little game for horrible people making the worst of the bunch. Wyoming, York, North, C.T., Wash, & Maine all congratulated her for winning, South & Carolina on the other hand were happy for her they weren't going to say. One at a time they all left to go to bed, with Tex the only one sober enough decided to clean up after the game.

While she was putting the cards away, she started thinking did she play any games like this before project freelancer, before some of their agent claimed to have found her barely alive after one of their missions (At least that's what she was told). The first thing she remembers no matter what is waking up in some kind of a lab, wearing her armor, after that it's all training & going on missions, She doesn't even recognize her own face half the time.

She doesn't know what to make of it but all she knows is that it is too late, she's too drunk & there are too many questions for her to answer be alone tonight, so after throwing out the last empty bottles of Vodka, washing & putting all the glass, then she just want to bed.


End file.
